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How Have You Grieved?

As many of you may know, The Duggar Family (19 Kids and Counting) lost their baby Jubilee last year. Michelle suffered a miscarriage after 5 months of pregnancy.

She’s been listening to “I Will Carry You,” which my wife Angie and I, and our friend Christa Wells, wrote for our daughter Audrey when we found out she would not survive after she was born.

Michelle recently shared about their loss and her grieving. Here are some of her words:

These last couple of months have just been very precious in the fact that I have been able to grieve over the loss of all those dreams that I was looking forward to, just hoping to getting to spend time with her. There’s a song written by Selah called “I Will Carry You,” and it is the most beautiful song expressing from a mother’s heart the love and the sadness of losing a baby while you’re expecting. At times I’ve played that song two or three times a day and just sing to the Lord and then just cry and release the tears that I need to let go of . Because I think if we hold the grief in it’s not going to help us to overcome and move on.

Angie has shared about our grief in her book, I Will Carry You, and I have had many times to share from stage.

What about you? How have you grieved after a miscarriage(no matter how many weeks), stillbirth, infant death, or the death of your child(no matter how old)?

This is not an easy subject. It’s so difficult and personal.

Every April 7th is difficult. It’s Audrey’s birthday and the day she went to be with the Lord. We always struggle with how to handle that day. Do we celebrate? Should we have a cake and candles? How do we mourn? Should we go to the cemetery?

If you feel lead, would you share some of your story, so we can recognize your child’s life and your pain. Hopefully, you will find comfort that comes through sharing and knowing you are not alone in this.

2 Samuel 12:23 speaks to me so much. 22 He(King David) answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ 23 But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” 2 Sam. 12:22-23(NIV)

Will you also join us as we pray and grieve with the Duggars.

Todd Smith

Here is I Will Carry You

139 Responses to “How Have You Grieved?”

  1. Susie says:

    “Isaac James Carlson” stillborn at 24 weeks on August 20, 2008. This will be 4 years this year and it has gotten easier but there are so many “pauses” that we hit. I find it is okay to stop and pause, no one understands like our own family and God. It is ok if we break down crying over an airplane (how his room was going to be decorated), a Disney movie or an outfit. My husband is a pastor and every time he does a baby boy’s dedication it is exciting until he holds the baby to pray, then I lose it. It is okay. We love our son. All four of us miss him and can’t wait to see him in heaven someday.

  2. Our daughter Caitlin, at the age of 25, suddenly left this world on 1-16-2012, the result of Cardiac Miopathy(enlarged heart). The last time we were able to go shopping together, she “asked” me to buy her the cd with “You Raise Me Up” on it. She wasn’t feeling well that day, and just quietly picked it up from the display at the christian book store,and gave me that look. We sat in the car together and listened to it. It is and always will be one of those kind of songs that stirs and vibrates right through to the soul. We played it at her funeral. So many things that had to be taken care of after her passing, it was hard to think. But, the choice of music was automatic. Thank you. God speed and God bless.

  3. Carrie says:

    Hi, this song is beautiful. I have three beautiful boys 13, 10, and 6. In January of 2010 I found out I was going to have #4. The pregnancy was rough from the get go. At 8 weeks we found out that I was in for a long ride with some very life threatening complication all of which the Dr’s said we could monitor and avoid. At 16 weeks I was on complete bed rest and also found out I was going to have a girl. At 21 weeks I was in the hospital with bleeding… all of which the Dr’s were confident could be controlled. At 21.5 weeks I started to bleed and there was not stopping it. There was a choice of deliver our little girl knowing she would not survived or lose both of us. Our little Angle Myah Lee was born at just 10oz and 10 inches long. She lived for 30 minutes. My husband and i could not believe the beauty of this little girl so perfect and complete. Each year we celebrate her life by releasing balloons (each child picks a special one). Then we have dinner and dessert in honor of Myah Lee. God has blessed us and we will continue to honor our little girl in everything we do.
    Thank you for this song, and God bless you.
    Carrie

  4. Molly says:

    I was watching 19 kids and counting a few weeks back when they aired the loss and funeral of Baby Jubilee Duggar. I couldn’t help but cry along with Michelle. I heard your song playing in the background and looked it up to listen to the whole song. It really touched my heart for you see, I too had lost not one but two babies. I lost mine over 15 years ago. I have since had 3 more children and have a stepson and my heart is filled with love but I still have the pain of losing my other babies. This past Christmas my nephew and his wife lost their baby and I felt their pain so much. I am so glad that I found this song to encourage us all to be strong and know that God will carry us all! God Bless You and the beautiful music that you make!

  5. Tara Shillingburg says:

    First of all, I want to thank you, Seleh for the WONDERFUL, Inspiring music. What a Blessing !! Second, I want to Thank Angie Smith for the Wonderful book “I Will Carry You”. I cried through mostly all of the book. May 28, 1998, I gave birth to a baby boy, and 10 days later he went home to be with the lord. He was delivered traumatically, by forceps ,could not survive the trauma, and died 10 days later, IN MY LOVING ARMS. I got pregnant 3 months later and miscarried. I again got pregnant, 4 months later, but with twins. My boy/girl twin blessings will be 12 years old on May 3. The son I lost is in the Lamb’s Book of Life, which is so comforting to me. I did not have God so strongly in my life then, as I do now. I am now Remarried to a Wonderful Godly man, and am a Born Again Christian. I will pray for the Duggars, ones on this Blog, and ones out there in need of God’s Love ,because of loss. I now know that God Loves us and WILL CARRY US. Also, My husband and I had “God Bless The Broken Road” played at our wedding. It means so much to us for many reasons. Seleh and Angie, Thank You for the Wonderful Blessings !!

  6. Amber says:

    On December 19, 2005 my daughter Grace Abigail was stillborn at 39 weeks. I went into labor with her and when I got to the hospital she was already gone. I have 3 healthy children they are 9, 4, and 2. There has not been a day go by that I don’t think about her, but I know that she is in a better place with our Lord and that I will see her again. Your song I Will Carry You has been such a blessing to me. I have been listening to Selah since you released your 1st album and God alway speaks and encourages me through your music. My heart breaks any time I hear of someone that has went through what I did. Todd, you and your family have been in my prayers since I heard about Audrey. I have been praying and will continue to pray for the Duggars. There show is such an encouragement to me.

  7. Amanda says:

    I lost my first son at 32 weeks. Jaydon Isaiah born 12-23-06. I also lost my second son at 23 weeks 07/31/09. Sometimes the pain is so intense I feel like I can’t go on. I had so many hopes and dreams for my angels and I feel like that has all been taken from me. I miss them more and more every day. I just wish I could have one more moment to hold them in my arms and tell them how much I love them.

  8. Jennifer Pounds says:

    I met Selah in Picayune, MS. my son was diagnosed with brain cancer when he was 14. I know God has plans for each one of us in our life but it was not easy to watch my son struggle, hurt and cry. Reid has been so strong. He told me when he was first diagnosed, “Mom, it is well with my soul because I know where I am going.” I sae more faith in him then I ever seen. Your songs and God’s amazing love has gotten me through the darkest days and coldest nights. Reid is facing complications from chemo and radiation but God is good. reid is facing surgery in June. He is so strong. He never has once complained. Doesnt meet anyone without telling them he loves them. It meant so much for him to meet Selah in person. Thank you for your beautiful words and touching songs. The Faithful one has kept me going on days I didnt think I could. God bless each of you

  9. jacqueline-holland says:

    Dear Selah,
    We are married for 3 years this month an since that day we’ve been trying to have a baby. Went into the hospital after 1,5 year but they cannot find a reason. We had treatments and the last one before starting IVF(which is a big struggle for us because of our religion) I got pregnant! After 7,5weeks I had an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. We were devistated. Last friday our baby was born at 8 weeks after taking pills. 2days befor that I came across your lovely song I will carry you. I cut out the line about the heart beating because that was way too painfull for me, but I listen to this version every day and it helps me a lot. I want to thank angie and tod for writing this beautiful song and pulling me back to God Who I almost lost during this long road. We also sing a song called I will carry you with our gospel choir shirchadasj, but this one I carry with me on my phone and listen to every day.
    My thoughts are with everyone who has lost a child, in whatever way or age. I also like the poem: “what makes a mother”
    Last few lines:
    So now you see what makes a mother
    It’s the feeling in your heart
    It’s the love you’ve had so much of
    Right from the very start.

    Though some on earth may nog realize you’re a mother
    untill their time is done
    They’ll be up here with Me some day
    and know that you’re the best one!

    Bless you all,
    Jacqueline

  10. I read Angie’s book while I was pregnant with my son Kelsey. My husband and I decided to start a family after two years of marriage, and it took us a very nerve-racking year and a half to finally conceive. However, in January of 2010, we miscarried. I was supposed to have been 13 weeks, but the ultrasound showed that our baby probably only made it to about 8 or 9 weeks. We were devastated. After a few months, we decided to try again. In October of 2011, we learned that we were 10 weeks pregnant! We were so ecstatic, but also very nervous at the time. I have a lot of health issues, so my doctor watched me very closely. At our anatomy ultrasound on December 21st, our world was shattered again. We were told that our baby had major problems and they sent us to a perinatologist. He confirmed our fears. Our sweet baby was diagnosed with Potter Syndrome (lack of kidneys which leads to almost no amniotic fluid) and an enlarged heart…we were told our child either would not make it to live birth or, if he did, he would not live very long. His prognosis was not good and the dr. said we could terminate. This was NOT an option for us and thankfully, our doctors were not pushing us for that even though many people said that we should. Our precious baby boy was born on March 14, 2012 at 31 weeks. He weighed 3 lbs 7 oz and was 14 1/4 in long. That was the best and worst day of my life. But through it all, God has been there. On the days when I just feel like I can’t go on, He sends something to pick up…something like “I Will Carry You.” Thank you Todd and Angie for sharing your story. Of all the books I read throughout our experience, yours helped me the most. Your faithfulness is inspiring. Please continue to be a light for others. God bless.

  11. sara says:

    At my 19 week appointment I went in with spirits high excited to share with my doctor that we were having another baby girl Hope Charlotte. My doctor had sent me to a specialist to determine whether our baby had downs syndrome because my quad screen was positive but to our relief she didn’t reveal any physical markers for the disease on 3d ultrasound. We were elated to be blessed with a third daughter. Big sister Grace coached soon to be big sister Faith in how it all worked and they did a lot of the planning how to do the gender reveal to our family. I was so excited to share all of this with my doctor at a normal 5 month appointment but this appt was anything but normal it was the day we discovered our precious Hope Charlotte s heart had stopped beating. I had been carrying an angel with me for almost 3 weeks and never had a single sign of miscarriage. I had to have emergency surgery March 31st. I ve drawn upon the Lord in this past month and have had many signs that my baby Hope was safe in the arms of God. On a particular rough day I was listening to the fish 95.5 here in Cleveland, Ohio and heard Audrey’s song and Angie’s story. I bought her book and read it cover to cover this weekend and I can truly say I feel a sense of peace knowing other women have endured the same pain and loss. Thank you Angie for pouring out your heart and sharing Audrey’s life with me. I hope she is helping get our darling Hope Charlotte acquainted in heaven. GOD BLESS YOU ANGIE AND TODD AND LOVING FAMILY!

  12. Julie says:

    I just lost my son, Isaiah. My due date was April 14th 2012. I realized the day before my due date that he was not moving much. On the morning of the 14th, I went to the hospital and found out that my precious baby had died. We do not know why he died. This journey has been so difficult. So very difficult. I just cling to the fact that he is in heaven (and he is there because of God who gave His only Son). Isaiahs days were in God’s hands, and I will see him again. Missing him hurts so very much, though. The pain is so sharp. If any of you ladies would like to email to encourage one another, my email is jljachens@gmail.com.

  13. Tami says:

    At 7AM a week after having a stillborn baby girl, I doubtfully prayed, “…If you are the good shepherd, show me!” Less than a minute later, Mrs. Josie, an older lady I hardly knew from church, knocked on my door.

    “I believe the Holy Spirit told me to come to you. Was I right?” she humbly asked.

    At 4:30AM that morning she awoke and prayed Psalm 23 over me and my husband. Then she came to me to lovingly explain how the Lord is my Shepherd—-having no idea what I had just prayed! I sat there, tears rolling down my cheeks, enveloped in the warm embrace of a God so kind that He would reveal Himself to me with such a tender answer to my desperate cry for comfort.

    Before I dared utter the prayer, Mrs. Josie had already been praying for me and begun heading my way. I am forever inspired and humbled by her obedience. And my life is forever changed.

    I know He IS the Good Shepherd. He loves me, leads me, and protects me. I take hold of His strong hand and continue to trust Him as I walk through scary times.

    No one can ever take that treasure from me. It is inscribed on my soul. Several years have passed, and I say with sincerity that I would endure it all again because of the eternal treasure He gave me. The anniversary is always difficult for me, but I thank God that I will see her in Heaven.

    My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. John 10:27

  14. Carm Holland says:

    April 5th is the date our child went to his new life in Jesus. Seth was 22 and we lost him to a car crash. We had 21 wonderful years with him and grief never goes away, it just changes. However, knowing he is just on vacation until we see Him is a great comfort. We WILL see all our loved ones again. I will Carry You was a song that resonated with me and I do listen to it even now. Such a comfort. He carries our loved ones who have passed on and He carries us. Hallelujah.

  15. Laurie says:

    Thank you for writing such a beautiful song. We lost our baby at 15 weeks She was born on April 14th 2012. Her name is Jordan Jean..because she has crossed over to the promise land and seeing more beauty than I can imagine. My husband and I want to let helium balloons in the sky to celebrate her life.

  16. Brett Delmez says:

    On February 24, 2012 at our 20 week ultrasound, we were told that our second child’s chances of survival were not good. Barrett has been diagnosed with Multicystic Dysplastic Kidney Disorder, which essentially means that his kidneys have stopped developing and have been overcome by cysts.

    We are now nearing the 34 week point with no change in Barrett’s diagnosis or prognosis. The good news is that he is still growing, moving, has a normal heartbeat and everything else appears to be in order. Our biggest concern at the moment is lung development because Barrett does not have the amniotic fluid needed to help the lungs develop.

    “I Will Carry You” has become a song of strength and support for me when I have my bad moments. We have also read, and re-read the book. Todd and Angie, I cannot thank you enough for your couragousness to share the journey that God laid in front of you. Your story has been such an inspiration in faith for us both. We try to follow Angie’s example and live each day to the fullest and in a positive light while praising God for the blessing that he has given us because as of right now, Barrett is with us. Don’t get me wrong, we do have our bad days where the thought of losing our sweet baby boy consumes us. However, we are trying to stay positive, praise God, pray big selfish prayers for healing and not lose site of the amazing two year old little boy we have.

    I don’t know what tomorrow holds in store for Barrett but I believe that our God can work miracles and heal him. We have put our trust and faith in Him and He is the only one that knows how this journey will end. I am just praying that His end is in lines with ours.

    I have read every comment that has been posted here and I lift all of you who are hurting up in prayer as I type tonight.

    Tomorrow could be a very different day for us, but only time will tell.

    God bless each and every one of you tonight!

  17. Kasey Rink says:

    After 5 years of trying to have a baby imagine my and my husbands surprise that we were expecting twins! The pregnancy was great until 18 weeks when my sons water broke and I was rushed to te hospital and told that my choices were to deliver the babies or stay on bed rest knowing the possibility of not bringing one or bth babies home. I knew I couldn’t deliver them because I still had two babies alive and breathing and I didn’t believe in doing that. I went on bed rest told I would be back in a week. God had other plans as I went on for another 8 weeks before I went into labor November 26,2006 at 25 weeks. My daughter and son were born via emergency c-section and after x-rays we were told he had no lungs. What does a mother do when a nurse brings you your child and asks “do you want us to continue working on him?” my heart said yea buty head knew he would just suffer. John Michael Jr lived for 30 mnts and a I held my baby all I saw was a perfect angel in my arms. Sara Mikal spent 4 1/2 moths in the NICU before we were able to being her home. I consumed mysel with caring for her in the hospital an when we got home so much that I never grieved for my son until the first Christmas we were all home as a family and as I placed John Michael’s Christmas ornament ton the tree I lost it in my husbands arms.
    My daughter will be 6 this year and we tell her about her brother in heaven. It helps to know he is there and not sick anymore. We haven’t been able to get pregnant again but I know God has a reason for that and it causes us to cherish our daughter even more.
    Thank you for this wonderful song!

    God bless you and your family,
    Kasey

  18. Kristin says:

    After 18 months of infertility treatments, my husband and I found out that we were pregnant. We were so happy and could hardly wait to share the news! We got to hear our sweet baby’s heartbeat the day before our 4th wedding anniversary . Three weeks later when we returned for another ultrasound appointment we learned that our daughter’s heart had stopped beating. Our angel, Ella, passed away on July 18, 2009, from a form of Turner Syndrome that was incompatible with life. Through all things God is faithful, and Ella’s little sister Hannah Faith was born on July 15, 2010, almost exactly a year later.
    The song “I Will Carry You” has been a great comfort to me, especially the line in the last chorus that says, “I will carry you all your life.” I carried Ella for her whole life and all that she knew was love. Thank you Todd and Angie for allowing God to use your story to touch others with His love and peace.

  19. Alicia Ballard says:

    Malachi Gideon Ballard, born in heaven 3-24-12 at 28 weeks pregnant …his due date would have been June 13. We waited on the Lord do long to conceive him and were so excited to meet him! He passed all he screening tests and ultrasounds with flying colors. I am an OB/GYN and my husband and I decided to go look at him on ultrasound and my heart dropped when I noticed his brain had fluid on it. We were covered in prayer for his healing and set up to see a specialist. Two days later when we went in for an appointment with the High risk OB, he didn’t have a heartbeat and I knew God brought him home…..My mommy heart misses him so much it aches, but my God heart knows that when he opened his eyes for the first time, he looked on the face of Jesus! We played ‘I will carry you’ at his funeral….I keep my eyes toward heaven knowing we will be together as a family with our Lord.

  20. Kristie says:

    I LOVE the song “I Will Carry You”. Rhyanna was still born and we delivered her on her due date, March 5, 2008. I could never forget when we went in to the ER and the doc said “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.” We were writing thank you notes for baby shower gifts one minute and the next planning a funeral. I don’t think we were capable of grieving for a child loss with out our Lord and Savior. 2 years after we buried our daughter I had a Christian counselor tell me that I had to allow God to walk me through the grieving process that I had refused to walk through. Thank you Lord for carrying me through the loss of my daughter. What a comfort to know that Jesus loves the little children and He is holding our little ones in His loving arms until we can be reunited in heaven. I frequently pray for parents in general who have lost a child. There is no greater pain.

  21. Kayle Boman says:

    I just listened to your song and it just brought tears to my eyes. Three and a half months ago my husband and I lost our son. I was 35.5 wks pregnant. There were no problems during the pregnancy and the dr.s found no explanation to the question why. He was perfectly healthy then suddenly he was gone. I miss my precious baby so much. His name is Kendall. We do have a 2 yr old to help keep us strong but their is absolutely no greater loss than that of a child. I have not read your book yet but plan to do so!

  22. Wendy says:

    I am so blessed by your song! I just lived through my second 17 week loss. On April 12, 2006 Daniel Gene Tomlinson was delivered by the Savior into heaven. On May 21, 2012 Eli Aaron Tomlinson was delivered by the Savior into the arms of God. I am heart broken. Casting crown’s song “Praise You In The Storm” was my hearts cry. Now “I Will Carry You” is the song I cry. Praying for the Duggars.
    In Christ,
    Wendy

  23. Angelic says:

    Tomorrow is my precious angel Hannah Grace’s due date. We lost her at 14 weeks when a routine ultrasound showed her heart was no longer beating. That day replays over and over in my head. On December 19, 2011 after blood work and multiple ultrasound confirming the diagnosis I went into the hospital for a D&C. Over the course of the last 6 months I have been grieving her loss and over the last week this song has been ringing over and over in my heart. I know that Hannah Grace is with the Lord and during this time that He has been carrying me. “I Will Carry You” has been a great comfort to me and I want to thank you Todd and Angie for allowing the Lord to use your story and Audrey’s life to touch mine.

  24. alexis says:

    I remember watching that episode of the Duggars show tears streaming down my face thinking “Michelle is so strong…I could never face that” a few weeks later on April 5th my sweet boy Andrew Jr was born a stillborn and went to be with Jesus. It was then I found myself in the same position Michelle was and have looked to Jesus to carry me through some very dark days.

    When I was in high school my dads business hosted a Selah concert, it was right after Angie had had Audrey….I remembered my mom reading the blog and loving the song “I will carry you” one of the first things I told family after comimg home from the hospital is. I need that book and cd!!!! It has blessed me beyond words and given me a better understanding of such things. I may listen to the song a few times a day just to let my tears flow freely and it helps…more than I can say.

    Thank you so much Selah for blessing me and so many others. And thank you Angie for sharing your story and blessing me in a personal way. Your godly example challenged me more than once to not let the devils lies creep in when it would have been so easy to listen to him and be angry at God. All our babies in heaven are so lucky they don’t have to experience the pain of this world. For thatvi am greatful.

  25. Jody Kyser says:

    Our path was similar to Todd & Angie’s. We went in for a routine ultrasound for our 5th child and were told of a few ‘red flags’ which prompted further testing. On October 28, 2008, an amniocentesis confirmed that our precious daughter, Chloe Joy, had Trisomy 18. We began to prepare ourselves and our 4 other children, for the likelihood of losing Chloe much too early, while praying that God would work a miracle in her life. At 43 weeks, 3 days gestation, we were induced and we welcomed Chloe into the world on 4/4/09. She survived a major surgery on 4/9/09, CAME HOME on 4/11/09, met her church family on Easter Sunday, 4/12/09, and Jesus took her home on the evening of 4/13/09. Genetically, she may have been ‘incompatible with life’, but she made more of an impact in her 9 short days with us than many people make in 9 decades. God DID work a miracle in Chloe’s life….and in many others’ lives, as well. I thank God I was chosen to carry her.

  26. Carie says:

    Isabella Joy McMillan was our little miracle and blessing. I was told in 2004 that I had an Ovarian disease that made it very difficult or even impossible to conceive but with the good Lord and medical fertility assistance.. we had Havana Grace in July 2007 and then Lillian Faith in May 2009. My husband is military and so with all of his deployments and such we had decided that we would not undergo anymore fertility and we were thankful for our gifts and had accepted they would be it.. God had other plans and in January 2012 just after he returned home from Afghanistan.. we found a shocking 2 pink lines on the test. We were thrilled and in shock! The pregnancy was good.. at 17 weeks we found that we were having another beautiful baby girl which we named Isabella Joy (Devoted to God) things were good and she had began to move around.. I went in for my 21 week anatomy scan May 30 2012 to find that she had passed into the arms of Jesus.. It has been the most difficult.. dark season of our lives.. we ache for her.. long to hold her.. kiss her.. dress her in the clothes we bought. lay her in her beautiful crib that was already together.. but all of that will not be a reality.. we are grateful that we know where she is but it is so hard to just press on when you miss someone so much.. We love our little angel and made a video we played at her memorial sevice and your song “I will carry you” was the first song in it.. It has played over and over in our home.. its the love of a mothers heart and connection to her sweet baby that has lived inside her even if only for a time.. its precious.. Thank you guys so much for sharing your story through your book as well I am half way through it and it has been used greatly to help us through this.. i lay for hours just reading.. crying.. smiling.. because it relates to us so well.. Thank you.. your story and strength are inspiring to us.. we are struggling but hopeful because we will hold her again one day at the feet of Jesus! This is her memorial video link in case you would like to see our precious blessing! http://youtu.be/WKUZSxgjDCg

  27. Terri says:

    I have just finished reading Angie’s book, “I Will Carry You” and sobbed all the way through it. I have just passed my 6 month anniversary of Meghan Ann’s death. Five days before Christmas we went in for our 20 wk ultrasound. We were not prepared for the devastating news that she had passed. She was our second baby to have passed in utereo. In April 2010, my family and I had suffered our first loss, my son Anthony James. My four children were devastated. It was truly a dark time in my life and I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. Knowing that Anthony and Meghan are together with the Lord helps. But each passing milestone in my nieces life (3 born to my sister/sils all within the 7 months) have brought new and more piercing waves of grief.
    Thank you for your ministry, Selah! I have listened to the song many many times, eyes wet with tears.

  28. Kim says:

    My son Christopher Michael who was called home by the Lord on September 11, 2011. The pregnancy had progressed normally until I noticed there hadn’t been any movement in some time. After a trip to the doctor we discovered that our precious little boy no longer had a heartbeat. After he was born it was discovered he had twisted a knot in the umbilical cord so tight that it cut off all support to him. Labor was induced and upon delivery I held the most beautiful little boy I had ever seen. I truly felt that I was holding an angel in my arms. He was so beautiful and perfect, I will never forget his head of dark hair and his sweet little nose.

    In January 2012 I discovered I was pregnant again and on February 14, 2012 at 10 weeks 5 days I suffered a miscarriage. Hearing the song “I Will Carry You” has helped me so much and is such a beautiful blessing to all who have gone through similar situations. To Todd and Angie, thank you for sharing your story and for helping all of us who have suffered the loss of a child or children through the beautiful music and the book that Angie wrote. Thank you Selah for the ministry and music you all do. It has become a blessing and brought me closer to the Lord.

  29. Debbie K says:

    Its been almost 2 years since our daughter was born. when she was c-sectioned out of my body the room went silent and the tensoin rose till it was palitable.
    no crys of new life.
    no congratulations its a …
    nothing
    but
    silence….
    i started to panic..
    Gil is it dead? is the baby dead?
    I has no idea if the child was a boy or girl, alive or dead.
    Gil went over to the side table now surrounded by the delivery team.trying to help her clear her air ways and cry.
    after what felt like a very long time a small cry.
    Gil came over and said gently
    there are a few things wrong with the baby. and its a girl.
    nothing prepared me for that moment.
    Do you have a name for the baby?
    Elora Tally-Anna
    with that she was rushed off to the NICU.
    i didn’t even get to see her…

    after my recovery from the c-section i was finally able to go and see Elora.

    the first thing the dr said when i went to see her was prepare for the worst.

    Dear Lord, i am going to plan my daughters funeral. Help me Lord help.

    three or four weeks in the NICU i finally got the nerve to ask to speak with a Dr and had a list of questions.

    1. We keep getting told to “prepare for the worst” what does that mean to you? i asked, to me it means that i am preparing for my daughters funeral. what does it mean to you?

    the Drs eyebrows flew off her forehead and she exlaimed NO that not it at all!

    i am not sure if it was a relief or not…

    question 2. then what are we dealing with?

    she went on to explain that with all the congenital defects there may be many problems ie.: no hearing due to bilateral microcia(small peanut or trbel cleft shaped ears) and missing an ear canal on the left side, no sight, may never walk, heart may have issues, spinal problems, club foot with a double large toe, one kidney that is in a different place than it should be so may have only one functioning kidney,2 dislocated hips, and little people arms and legs and we are not sure what “syndrom” she has.
    This may all be due to you(being me the mother) having diabetus.

    question 3 what are the good things that are going on with her? I/ we need some hope here.

    Dr – she is alive and healthy so far.

    Through these past two years we have had our heart aches and grieving that we have a daughter that needs multiple surgeries and has a larger than life personalit for her age 🙂

    How ever in august we will celebrate Elora’s 2nd birthday.
    with a daughter that does not know the meaning of “I cann’t”
    she was able to walk before her hip surgery, she has “normal” hearing in one ear, her eye sight is amazing!
    when the Drs said she might be a little people, her limbs have grown to propotion for her, she has two very functional kidneys.

    maybe this grieving is not the loss of a child but it was the loss of what we considered “normal” and the loss of selfishness through all these bonuses that God allowed to happen to our daughter.
    i have no idea why, but here we are and God’s grace is sufficient today.

  30. Karon K. says:

    May 9,2007 was every parents nightmare. Our son, Joshua Allen left for school but instead of reaching his earthly destination he reached eternity with a glow on his face. Not many 17 year olds have conversations about it being great to leave this place of sin and enter into heaven, but that is exactly what our Josh did. You see our son was born again May 5,2005 and later said that he was called to preach. Five years later our son is still preaching through his testimony.

    Every day still has its challenges and our heart goes out to all those that have and will loose a child, no matter the age. We do know that God is in control of all things and there is a time and purpose for everything.

    Eight weeks after Josh went to Glory, our 1st grandchild was born…a spitten image of her Uncle! The Lord knew that we would need that little bright spot in our life. Since then we now have 3 grandchildren. The latest is due in October!

    Every year we celebrate Josh’s homecoming with a pig roast. (The Bible tells us that the day of one’s death is better than their birth if they are one of the saved.)

    We have had the privilege to see Selah 3 times since 2005. Your music has and still does give us great comfort. I also have had the opportunity to share the song “I Will Carry You” with others that have had miscarriages. I have a particular feeling for the song “You Deliver Me” because that is exactly what God has done and continues to do each and every day. His Grace is sufficient.

  31. Melanie B. says:

    I just heard this song for the first time. I love your music and wanted to check out your latest songs, as I will be at Women of Faith in Spokane next week. I sat here and WEPT as I listened to the song, “I Will Carry You”! Anyone who has experienced the loss of a child can relate with these lyrics. Thank you for ministering through your music. This is such a personal subject and people generally shy away from sharing about loss. But from one grieving parent to another, this touched every one of my heart strings!

    On April 8th, 2005, our first daughter, Shaya, went to heaven to be with Jesus. When she was one week old, something “wasn’t right” so we rushed her to the ER. The doctors discovered that she had suffered a major blood clot in her descending aorta. During her short four months on this earth, she stole the hearts of many people, both in and out of the hospital as her health improved! I blogged nearly every day we were in the hospital. I was hopeful that she would be healed and go on to lead a long life…and that her HEALING would be what would lead others to Christ. But when her life abruptly ended, I was forced to truly examine where my own hope rested. It wasn’t the ending that I envisioned – but as a result, I have more compassion for those who have lost a loved one, especially a child (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). Seven years later, my desire is that her story, her life and her presence here on earth would reach people for Christ.

    Seven months after losing my daughter, I discovered I was pregnant again. I dealt with a lot of fear throughout my second pregnancy. However, we were blessed with another little girl (who is now 6) and she is truly a JOY & a GIFT from God!

    Thank you for sharing your story and for allowing all of us grieving parents to share our stories, as well. As your song said, “I will carry you all my life..” Indeed, we will always carry our precious little ones in our hearts!

  32. Carrie says:

    We lost our baby girl Cassidy at about 22 weeks, but didn’t find out until 23 weeks that there was no heartbeat. It’s now been a month since then, and the pain really hasn’t lessened at all. I think the shock is gone, but I’m guessing that the pain never goes away in this life. I found out about your song from “19 Kids and Counting,” and it’s been a great source of comfort. The only hard part is the heart beating line, since I carried our Cassidy longer than that. It’s strange how tiny things can prick your heart now, but I’m sure in time the Lord will help us all to overcome our grief. We wait especially for that great day when we all will see our babies again!
    I’ve done a few things to help with the grieving process, and to honor our baby’s life. We’re planning a memorial garden, and I go outside daily to dig out the weeds. It helps to work out some pent up energy, and gives me a lot of time to think. I thought it would be fun to decorate some rocks for the garden as well, and the children’s have been especially touching. Some of my nephews have painted ones that were almost too heavy to carry! I think I’ll paint a rock every year on Cassidy’s birthday as well.

    Last of all, there is a non-profit organization that needs volunteers to make itty bitty flannel diapers, for still born babies or NICU losses (I’m also making some for those with any pregnancy loss, as a memento so they don’t have empty arms leaving the hospital). I’ve started gathering flannel and we’re going to have “diaper parties” to sew diapers for other parents who are grieving. I think doing something for others has been the greatest help. I’m still in the planning stages, but I think I’ll do a diaper party every month on the 13th, the day of Cassidy’s birth. It’s a way to celebrate her life as you said, something that could be done yearly on your baby’s birthday as well. If any one is interested, the website is http://teenytears.blogspot.com/

  33. Karen says:

    Two weeks ago my husband and I lost our twins at 8 weeks. It was our first pregnancy and we were truly devastated. I was watching some of your videos, and had no idea you had a song about your little girl other than “Moments Like These”. It really is a comfort to be able to know that we are not alone in what we are feeling. I feel that God led me here tonight and believe that He is hurting with me. Thank you for allowing us to share what we’ve been through. It really helps:)

  34. Lavinnia M. says:

    In 2010, after many years of fertility treatment, I was blessed with the news that I was having twins. I had never known true love until I saw those 2 little specks on that ultrasound monitor. Sadly at 8 weeks I was told that one of the twins had passed and the other one was barely hanging on. At 14 weeks, my second little miracle went to be with the first. I was devastated to say the least. My faith in GOD wavered. How could a GOD so powerful forsake me like this? Had I not praised HIM enough or thanked HIM for these precious gifts? Why my babies? I struggled for months and one night my mother and I were on the phone and she ask me why couldn’t I just be happy again. I was so mad at her for asking me this. She had been my rock through all of this. How could she not know? I cried and told her that I would never be happy again until I was with my little ones. I was worried for them. They were so little and alone. She preceded to tell me that my little ones were being held in the most loving arms ever – GOD’s and they were so cherished and loved. She reminded me that I should be thankful for the time that I had with them and that one day I would be with them again. Her words brought me such comfort that night. I had no idea that would be the last conversation that I would have with her. She passed away 10 days later as a result of a car accident that she had that very night on her way to work. I know that she is kneeling at HIS feet and waiting for me with my little ones.

    In Febuary of this year, I decided to try again after much prayer. I felt GOD with me through the whole procedure and wasn’t really surprised to find out I was pregnant just weeks later. Unfortunately this little one was too precious for this earth and went to be with it’s siblings and grandmother. A dear friend that had seen us struggle with the loss of the twins sent “I Will Carry You” to me. It has been such a blessing to me! No one understands this pain unless they have been through it. Hearing this song reminds me that I am not alone.

    Through the deaths of little angels and my mother, I have came closer to GOD. I know that HE loves me more than I will ever deserve. HE has shown HIS love by placing these precious gifts and my amazing mom in my life. I know what is in store for me and I can’t wait to be reunited with my loved ones. But until then, I will live this life for HIM and through HIM. I hope that I can inspire and comfort people the way you have through your song.

  35. Michelle says:

    I have lost three angels through miscarriage – Jan 03, May 05, and Sep 05. Through grieving the first, I found Jesus… or I should say I was found In Jesus. For this, I will be eternally grateful. The pain is always with me, but with Jesus, so is the peace. We released pink balloons after my first loss, as a way of symbolizing letting our baby go and the next night there was a huge pink sunset. On the day of my second loss, I came out of our church to a huge pink sunset in the midst of a rainshower. How fitting. God has spoken to me many times though pink sunsets, through your song “I Will Carry You”, through both of Angie’s books, and through many of your songs. I thank you for being so willing to share, so obedient to follow where God has led you to teach others with you example even though I know it’s so painful to relive and share. Audrey indeed has weight in this world. Every single one of our babies are celebrating eternal life in heaven. There is no pain like the loss of a child, but there will also be nothing compared to the glory of God when we reach our heavenly home too.

  36. Kami R says:

    June 17, 2000 – Kayla Kamiko Robinson was born. She lived for only an hour. to have a child die laying in your arms and seeing them take their last breath is something that never ever goes away. The pain never goes away, never. It’s something you just rely on God to help you cope with it. After 10 years, the pain got even worse. The only thing that helps ease the pain is knowing that one day I will be with her again. That’s what makes me smile and keep on going. I have since had two children. She was my first born. We will never understand why children die, but know it’s never God that does it to punish or as something bad. God is pure good.

  37. Maricella says:

    i have had 4 miscarriages. I didnt pass 12 weeks with any of my children but i feel that for us that didnt get to hold our baby but just in the womb, its so much different. when having people tell me at least the pain is less due to you not having seen your baby. To me its the same. I wanted my children as badly as those of them that lost their baby after birth. I just feel that like for me i just dont want to forget about them.I will not get over them. I dont want the important people like my children, sisters, inlaws and close friends around me to forget about them. I really just wanted to say thank you for the song, its helping me heal. Jonathan’02. Sarah’02. Abigail’10 and Julianna’12.

  38. Kim says:

    I had a stillborn son, Aiden James Gawera. He was full term and about a week away from his due date. I had gone through the pregnancy alone as I was about a month away from being married when I found out that I was pregnant. The father of the baby was studing to be a pastor and was embaressed that we were intimate before we were wed. He had wanted me to abort the baby to hide our sin. So I gave him his ring back endured heartbreak and then judgement from others. He told people it wasn’t his to also hide. But I went it alone as there is no other answer. I had been married before and had a daughter (11year old then) and knew how much I loved motherhood. Despite all, I loved the baby growing inside of me and could not wait for him to arrive. I would often say it would all be worth it when I see his beautiful eyes. My daughter could not wait to be a big sister. His room was ready. All his clothes were washed and put away and all we waited for was him.
    Aiden was perfect but I was around a child that had hand foot and mouth virus. As I understand it: the mother has immunity from it but the baby does not. Aiden James was one of 6 invetro babies that died on the same day in Buffalo. I never did get to see his eys but I will when I get to heaven. He would be in kindergarden now and I have healed a great deal since then. I still make memory boxes for mothers (fathers) that go through the same thing. Most times it is a shock so I put an outfit to dress your baby(6 boy & 6 girl), a disposable camera, a hand print kit, a cap, christain literature on healing from grief, the book empty cradle broken heart and a hand written letter to say its okay to grieve for as long as you need, in any way that you need but it is also okay to heal and laugh again someday….
    and someday.. I will see my precious son because of God’s Son, Jesus!!
    Blessings to all of us that are members of this group that we don’t want to be members of. Thank you for a song that says what we feel.

  39. Meg says:

    We are parents to 3 children under the age of 5 plus two babies in heaven. This past January, we lost our son Samuel Josiah at 16 weeks. My water broke unexpectedly at church and he was born into, and died in, my hands in our church bathroom. It is a pain so deep there are no words. This road of grief is so long, and seems unending, but my prayer from day one has been that the Lord would be glorified in Samuel’s short life. Being able to share our story, or share tears with a grieving parent or grandparent me heal more than anything else. I am reading through your book now and have already been blessed by it. The Lord is certainly using Audrey’s life for His glory and I, with you, wait expectantly for the day when He comes for us, and I can see my Savior face to face, holding my babies in His arms. Thank you so much for sharing your loss with us. It is my prayer that we are able to continue doing the same thru our loss.

  40. Erin says:

    Our sweet little one, Emma Grace was born on March 30th, 2012. We knew from 18 weeks that she would probably not get to stay on this earth. She lived for 15 days after she was born full term. It’s been the hardest year of my life. We played this song at her funeral. It perfectly describes our lives the past year. Thank you for letting God use you and speak through you in talking about one of the lowest times in your life. I’m forever changed because of Emma Grace and what the Lord has done through her.

  41. Magee Miller says:

    My son and his wife had been trying to get pregnant since they got married. After joining a medical trial she conceived. Twenty weeks later and five days after watching my youngest son (his brother) get married, the unthinkable happened. The same day they found out it was a boy, they found out she had an incompetent cervix and on April 21, 2011 they lost their son, Chase Austin Miller. Your song and a support group called M.E.N.D. (Mothers Enduring Neonatal Death) saved their sanity. I do film and was asked to film a lantern release on September 15, 2012. Over 340 lanterns were released into the sky with the names of lost children written on them. In the editing I used your song, “I Will Carry You” and Eric Clapton’s “Tears In Heaven.” I had to have something while I added all the names to the video so people from across the county could see that their child was also honored. I hope you can forgive me for using your song.

  42. Marissa Dodson says:

    long story short:
    In 2007,my husband and I found out I was pregnant. We prayed for twins. Shortly, we found out our prayer was answered and we were having twins!
    When I went in to labor, I was at the hospital for 8 days on bed rest and at one point, I told the doctor that I think it’s time. The doctor then replied and said no, he will tell me when it’s time, and left the room. They gave me a sleeping pill and I woke up the next morning feeling the same sensations so I asked the nurse to check me. When she did, she said “Oh my God…” and ran out to get help. What had happened is that my baby Callum was crowned and had been all night. He was being crushed in my cervix!
    They did an immediate emergency c-section and basically, he suffered and annurism from being crushed by my own body weight. He lived for 5 days before we took him off the machines.
    We have gone through unbearable anger and grief. I understand the dance of having grief along with joy because our surviving son’s birthday is also his birthday. We celebrated both of their births that day and at the same time, I knew I was losing my baby. In fact, every day, my one son is a reminder that there are supposed to be two. Two sharing a birthday cake, two having a first day of school, two singing together at church.

    THANK YOU for this song and for Angie’s book.
    I was also at the Women of Faith conference in San Anotnio where Angie had all of us stand who had lost a child. That moment was so spiritual. To see other grieving moms, to know that they are out there and that I am not alone. Thank you infinitly.
    Marissa Dodson

  43. Marie Claire LEFEBVRE says:

    bonjour Bien aimés,

    j’avais 36 ans quand je suis tombée enceinte, mon mari a l’époque ne voulait pas d’enfant… j’ai fait une fasse couche qui ne s’est pas bien passée du tout, tant sur le plan affectif que psychologique et physilogique, je disais que mon ventre était une tombe. Mais j’étais du monde et je n’avais pas encore donnée ma vie au Seigneur. Quand je suis venue à Christ il a pris cette douleur, cette déprime car je n’ai pas d’enfants, mais il est miséricordieux car il m’a dit que la délaissée aura plus d’enfants que cette qui est mariée Esaie 54. Jésus est merveilleux car il m’a consolé, mon bébé est au paradis avec Jésus, et il m’a donné plein d’enfants en Christ. Dernièrement un de mes fils en Christ qui vient d’être papa a dit en tenant son bébé nouveau né dans les bras (sur skype) : “regarde ta grand-mère” Oui je suis guérie, Jésus a pris mes fardeaux de douleurs et m’a donné l’amour d’une famille en Christ et plein d’enfants et des petits enfants. Audrey et tant d’autres bébés ne sont pas morts mais ils vivent dans le Royaume de Dieu. Soyez consolés et Soyez bénie. MC

  44. Jenn says:

    I just want to say thank you for your annointed song. I had a miscarriage last week. I was 16 weeks. Every single day I listen to your song, and it ministers to me. It allows me to grieve and cry. I struggle in being strong for my other three girls, but with your song, it allows me to be honest with myself before the Lord. So thank you. We named our angel Ivelise.

  45. Kimmy Swenson says:

    Hi Todd, I had the pleasure of meeting you last weekend at the WOF event in Minneapolis. I wanted to peRsonally thank you and your wife for your story bout Audrey. I lost Thomas nine years ago to SIDS. This year has been extremely difficult for and it is my faith in God that has helped me. Your story helped me to recognize that my son had ” weight” in this world and for that I’m grateful. God bless you and your family.
    Kimmy

  46. There might be something wrong with your links. You should have somebody check out the site.

  47. Victoria says:

    Unable to conceive. Grieving the death of dreams and hopes for a child of our own. The pain is real, and unbearable.

  48. Shelley Sargent says:

    We have had many loses, however the one we have the hardest time moving past is Xavier Orion. We lost him at 8wks, but had already seen his heart beating 4 times. When he left my body, he came out with his sac intact and we could see him. Seeing him solidified my faith further because our baby was so incredible and perfect for his gestation.
    Every year on his loss date (11-18-12), we light a candle, pull out the mementos (tons of pregnancy tests, ultrasound photos and videos, a quilt with the verse about him being knit in my womb. And cry. On his intended due date (7-6-12 or around there, but we suspect after seeing him in my hand, we were further along), we release balloons, with notes tied on to him. This is important to our daughter who is an only child that was so excited for the new baby.

  49. Angie says:

    I had the chance to meet both Angie and Todd when they came to speak for Starlight ministries in Michigan. My beautiful son Conner died March6 2012 at 18 yrs old from a rare stroke, I was so angry at God and everyone it has taken me 9 mths to believe in the God that I had trusted to get me through anything really did still care. On the night that Todd and Angie spoke , it was the first time that I had felt the annointing of God since my sons death.

  50. Joy says:

    I just read the book, “I Will Carry You” and cried all the way through it. My story starts with our 1st pregnancy, we lost at 10 1/2 weeks. We were devestated having prayed for so long to conceive. After more patient waiting, we conceived our daughter, Lana, who is 6 years old now. & Then, we were blessed with our son, Lance, who is 4. We always wanted a big family, to raise to serve the Lord, so were so thankful to be expecting a baby girl again. My pregnancy seemed perfectly normal, even our ultrasounds revealed nothing alarming. Our Lila Kate was born November 15, 2012 & was diagnosed with a Congenital Dyaphramatic Hernia that caused her lung development to be severely restricted. She was so sick at birth that she almost didnt survive the plane ride to Children’s hospital where she was treated for 27 days on a life support machine. We couldn’t hold her or stimulate her at all until she passed away in my arms on December 12. Thank you for writing this book. It has ministered to me tremendously. I felt like you took the words right out of my heart & put it on the page. Thank you for sharing Audrey’s story. May God bless you & your family!

    • Steph says:

      To Joy,
      I too lost a baby girl to congenital diaphragmatic hernia(CDH). She was on the life support machine too for 11 days but they were unable to stabilize her so she could get the surgery to fix her hernia. Her name was Faith. She lived for 12 days and passed away on January 28. She was our second child, we have a son who is 6. I feel for you and I am sorry for the loss of your daughter, Lila Kate. Please know that I am praying for you and that God will comfort you.

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