As many of you may know, The Duggar Family (19 Kids and Counting) lost their baby Jubilee last year. Michelle suffered a miscarriage after 5 months of pregnancy.
She’s been listening to “I Will Carry You,” which my wife Angie and I, and our friend Christa Wells, wrote for our daughter Audrey when we found out she would not survive after she was born.
Michelle recently shared about their loss and her grieving. Here are some of her words:
These last couple of months have just been very precious in the fact that I have been able to grieve over the loss of all those dreams that I was looking forward to, just hoping to getting to spend time with her. There’s a song written by Selah called “I Will Carry You,” and it is the most beautiful song expressing from a mother’s heart the love and the sadness of losing a baby while you’re expecting. At times I’ve played that song two or three times a day and just sing to the Lord and then just cry and release the tears that I need to let go of . Because I think if we hold the grief in it’s not going to help us to overcome and move on.
Angie has shared about our grief in her book, I Will Carry You, and I have had many times to share from stage.
What about you? How have you grieved after a miscarriage(no matter how many weeks), stillbirth, infant death, or the death of your child(no matter how old)?
This is not an easy subject. It’s so difficult and personal.
Every April 7th is difficult. It’s Audrey’s birthday and the day she went to be with the Lord. We always struggle with how to handle that day. Do we celebrate? Should we have a cake and candles? How do we mourn? Should we go to the cemetery?
If you feel lead, would you share some of your story, so we can recognize your child’s life and your pain. Hopefully, you will find comfort that comes through sharing and knowing you are not alone in this.
2 Samuel 12:23 speaks to me so much. 22 He(King David) answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ 23 But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” 2 Sam. 12:22-23(NIV)
Will you also join us as we pray and grieve with the Duggars.
Todd Smith
Here is I Will Carry You
I lost my baby in 1995 and i still mourn for my baby everyday. Certain times off the year are harder than others but it was not until I heard this song that i was truly able to let my self start the grieving process so Thank you for this song and sorry for your loss
You song I Will Carry You has also gotten me thru some very sad times when I think about my miscarriage and the loss of my baby. I truly take comfort listening to the verse that tells of the Lord showing my baby photographs of time beginning and walking thru the parted seas. I take comfort in knowing some day I will see my baby again in heaven… and until then my child is with Jesus. Oh what a day that will be! Thank you for this song… I am sure it’s helped more people that you will ever know or imagine. Love to you!
I lost my son, Joshua, on December 7, 2011 after a perfect pregnancy. One week before my due date I woke up and he wasn’t moving. I gave it a couple of hours and tried not to worry, but then I went to the hospital and they couldn’t find a heartbeat. They induced labor, and after about 30 hours later he was born. There was no indication as to why he died. To this day we still do not know for sure. The initial grieving was the hardest. We were surrounded by a wonderful church family who helped us get through it. I did go to the cemetery the first year on Mother’s Day and his birthday, but I found that instead of finding healing there, I fell deeper into despair. It was almost as if his grave mocked my empty arms. Subsequent years were even harder because we were never able to conceive again. I’ve been back there a couple of times during the last 10 years, but not very much.
The one thing I have done every year since his first birthday to celebrate Joshua’s life is to adopt a child from the Angel Tree or another similar program for Christmas. It is perfect timing since his birthday is in December. Every year I adopt a boy that would be his age and buy gifts for him. This year, I adopted a 10 year old boy through our church’s homeless ministry, but I did something a little different in addition. I am a foster parent and I have two small children in my home. I adopted my 2 year old son through foster care, but I also have a little girl. Now that I have kids in my home, Christmas is very different. One thing I’ve never done is put up stockings. This year I wanted to have stockings for my kids, but I really struggled with not recognizing that Joshua was and always will be a part of my family. I got this great idea from one of my friends who lost her baby girl last year. On Josh’s birthday I asked all of my friends and family to do something kind for someone in need in Joshua’s name and to e-mail me and tell me about it. Then I printed all the letters and put them on pretty paper and put them in Joshua’s stocking. On Christmas morning I spent a little time reading all of the sweet letters and just remembering my sweet baby boy. I think this is a tradition that I will continue to do.
This is so timely for me. I went through a miscarriage a little over 7 years ago, and I have only just recently realized how God has healed me of that pain and grief. I wrote about it just a few weeks ago, and it’s kind of long, but if my story can help anyone else going through this, I will share it.
http://beebefamilycircus.blogspot.com/2012/02/death-defeated.html
I heard both Selah and Angie share at LifeWay’s Kid’s Ministry conference in Nashville last October. I thoroughly identified with Angie and cried while she shared about Audrey. I think it is part of what God used to bind up this brokenness in my heart regarding my own loss.
Thank you for being so open and willing to share and love.
Hilary
I had a late miscarriage a little over 3 weeks ago. I was 14 weeks pregnant and gave birth to my sweet, little Michael James. He was perfect. Perfect. It was the hardest night of my life and has continued to be the hardest walk of my life, but I continue to walk. I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old and the 4 year old has lots of questions. He tells me often that he is sad about baby Mikey because he “really wanted a baby brother”. It’s so hard. My only prayer has been for the Lord to use this. I don’t want the loss of my sweet Mikey to be for nothing. I don’t know how the Lord can use this situation, but I know He can. I have quite a few Selah CD’s, but did not have the You Deliver Me CD. When I saw Michelle Duggar’s article, I went immediately and downloaded the CD. The whole CD has given life to me. I, like Michelle, listen and sing I Will Carry You multiple times a day. I listen to it every night before bed, it’s like my lullaby. I also had Angie’s book sent straight to my Kindle and just finished it a couple days ago. The whole book had me shaking my head. All of her emotions were exactly what I was feeling. So glad to know I’m not alone in this. I wanted to thank you for writing the “From the Daddy” perspective, too. I think the daddy’s often get forgotten in this. Thank you for ministering to me during this time. God bless you.
I recently read I Will Carry You and was such an honest and emotional account of suffering such a loss.
On July 1, 1976 our baby Daniel was stillborn at 26 weeks. He was alive right before he was born. Back then the usual procedure was to heavily medicate a mother that was going to deliver knowing the outcome. I had our daughter, then 18 months, naturally without any medication and decided if Daniel had any chance to survive I would do anything to protect him. Fortunately I had a nurse that became my advocate and persuaded the doctor to not medicate me and for that I will be forever grateful. I can only imagine the women were heavily medicated and the had to somehow deal with such a loss.
At that time when I left the hospital I left with empty arms and nothing to show that Daniel was ever born. There was no birth certificate only a death certificate. We had no service for him but had his ashes scattered at sea.
I have done some research and I believe I can have the State of California issue a birth certificate for him now nearly 36 years later.
In reading about Audrey emotion poured from me like a river. I realized I had never really grieved but now I have. I glad no idea all that was still so deeply buried inside that needed to come out. We had no footprints, no memory box only a piece of paper that he died but nothing to show he was born.
My daughter and daughter each suffered a miscarriage, one recently and the other some years ago. They are both reading this precious book.
My hearts desire is to be an encouragement and help to other women that have suffered such a shattering loss.
I am now the mother of 5 beautiful children, 4 daughters and 1 son, and 8 grandchildren. We are so blessed
Reading I Will Carry You was life changing , thank you Angie for sharing Audrey’s story and allowing me to share Daniel’s story.
In July of 2006, very early in the only pregnancy my husband and I had experienced in our then 9 years of marriage, I miscarried a child we later named Eden (meaning “Paradise,” where we believe he or she is experiencing the perfect presence of our Savior each day.)
Some of my thoughts and poems for Eden can be found on our family/ministry blog at http://garcias2chile.blogspot.com/search?q=eden.
What I would like to share, however, is the verse God used to speak to my heart at that time of loss. In Mark 10:14 Jesus tells His disciples to allow the children to come to Him, because “of such are the kingdom of Heaven.” After losing Eden, this verse was no longer theoretical but the scene came to life in my heart – that our children is truly one of thousands, millions even, filling Heaven with their childish joy and song. What a beautiful place to be!
I don’t know what to say really but that my husband and I love yalls music very much. Please, please go to our website and read what has happened to us this past week. It would mean so much to us! Also our Facebook and twitter accounts have it all on there.. @mcretzman @lcretzman and Matthew cretzman and Lana Cretzman on fb.. Please? It has impacted te whole Winston-Salem area and nation wide. Thanks in advance:)
I really love the song “I will carry you”.
About eight years ago, we discovered we were pregnant for the first time! An ultrasound revealed twins – wow! Then at 23 weeks along on September 6, our lives changed forever when our little girls were born too early. It came as a complete surprise. Jocelyn was still born. Samantha lived for about an hour. The Lord provided support, comfort and peace in so many ways.
In the years since then, we have had 3 healthy, full-term babies – now ages 6 1/2, 4 1/2 and 20 months. What delights and blessings they are to us!
Shortly before Christmas this past year, we found out another baby was on the way. We were excited! At about 10 weeks, we started sharing the news with friends and family. At 12 weeks on February 7, our lives were again forever changed. We were at the hospital for some routine testing and they could not find the baby’s heartbeat by doppler. Ultrasound confirmed that our baby was no longer alive. We couldn’t believe it. As with our previous loss, what happened really stinks, but The Lord has provided support, comfort and peace in so many ways.
During these last weeks, I have listened to your song (I Will Carry You) and read your story and that has been one source of comfort. Thank you.
Hey, I thought I had commented couple days ago.. but somehow it didnt post. I really hope that you can read our website updates and catch up on our site of what has happened to our family last week. We are missionaries and had a major car wreck last Monday. We hit black ice and flew out of control and hit an interstate sign on the middle of the highway. We have 2 babies and the 3 year old went to Heaven immediately. God has used our story this past week to have a huge impact on the Winston Salem areas and spread nation wide. K-love featured our story today, and http://www.wxii12.com news covered our whole story all week long. If you go to their website you can search “cretzman” and see every news interview and post about us. God has used Azlynns story to see around 10 saved so far and so many decisions made for Christ. I am the wife, and mommy of Azlynn. My husband and our other baby Maddi who is 1.5 are fine- no major injuries. But Im sitting here on the couch healing from surgery on my fractured leg, fractured rib, fractured vertabrae, and lacerated liver. I think you will see from the interviews and everything how we have dealt with losing a child… so far. And we continue to do so! Thanks for your time. Lana
As soon as I read Michelle Duggars comment about listening to your song, I Will Carry You, to help her through her grieving over the loss of baby Jubilee, I listened to the song and it is beautiful and moving. Then I saw the video of you and your wife, Angie, talking about the loss of your little girl and how you wrote that song for her. What a great gift you have all given to her and to so many moms and dads who have lost a child. I have two grown children and I have had two miscarriages. It helps me to realize, after listening to you and the Duggars that my children are in heaven and that I will be reunited with them in God’s time. Now I am listening to more of your songs too. I can feel the Lord ‘s presence through your music. Thank you.
We just delivered our twins Joshua and Andrew at 21 weeks, We were told Joshua wouldnt have much of a chance as he had very little to no amniotic fluid. Andrew had went home to God at aprox 14 weeks. We found out at our 17 weeks ultrasound. Our pregnancy had been full of trials and we were told from the beginning not to expect the pregnancy to last. We were told at 17 weeks not to expect to make it more then a few days but God gave 4 more weeks with little Joshua growing and a strongheart beat. Joshua was born alive and went home to God in his daddys arms. Feb 23 2012.
Hi,
I have been touched beyond words by the music of Selah since Zoe died almost 5 yrs ago. “Unredeemed” and “I Will Carry You” really ministered to me. Now, “Broken Praise” is the current song of Selah’s I have heard and deeply been touched. I blogged about what the words mean here: http://hopesjourneyblog.blogspot.com/2012/03/unabashed-honesty.html
And, if you would like to know more about Zoe you can read here: http://hopesjourneyblog.blogspot.com/p/who-i-am-zoes-story-addie.html
Thank you so much for your honesty in the face of grief, only God knows how much you have been used by Him to make a difference. I am so sorry for your grief in Audrey’s death as well.
In Christ,
Hope Wood
In October 2010, my daughter was born still at 21 weeks of gestation. My husband and I marveled over her perfection and completeness at such an early age. We celebrate her short life on her angelversary, October 28, 2010. It seems fitting that she was born during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. My grieving has been in reaching out to find others who have been through similar situations and to write. I find particular comfort in writing poetry, much of which can be found on my blog.
I Will Carry You (the song, was unaware there was a book at the time) touched my heart in so many ways. Our son passed away July 2. 2005. It was a full term pregnancy that ended with a uterine rupture that would claim his precious little life, and almost ended mine as well. It was an interview via radio I heard in 09′ that had me buy the CD- I couldn’t wait to have this song… I was so inspired by the beautiful picture of the 3 little Smith girls in front of Cinderella’s Castle, along with little Audrey’s hat. I share our story in my book “Facets of Life; What I Didn’t Expect When I was Expecting,” and I share how Selah’s song ministered to me, as well as the sweet little picture! God is so good! Just a short time later, we went to Disney, and I, too, had 3 hats made, one special hat for my precious little one in heaven. This has been a ripple effect for I have heard from so many that had hats made in memory of their lost little one, and God’s grace has overflowed from the heart of Angie and her willingness to share her precious little one with us. I share our experience at Disney in the book and have so many testimonies that have been written in regards to those Mickey Mouse hats! You just never know who you are going to touch, or what they are going through. Thank you for this song, for your hearts and for your ministry!
Our fourth, youngest child, Seth, was born with a severe congenital heart defect, hypoplastic left heart syndrome. He had open heart surgery at 5 days old, spent his first 50 in the hospital, spent an uneventful summer (in 2008) at home with us and in Sept. he had his 2nd heart surgery. He died, still in the hospital, a month later.
The first year, I couldn’t do anything.. We do tend to celebrate and remember his birthday (as opposed to his gloryversary). We’ve started a donation drive. This is our 3rd year, we’re collecting socks and toiletries which we donate to the pICU that helped give us the 200 days we did have with our boy.
And I take my other kids to the cemetery on Seth’s birthday, we have cupcakes and sing Happy birthday and remember…
I have followed Angie’s blog for years now, since you were expecting Audrey. God gave me great compassion for you all and for others like you…but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I myself would experience the premature loss of a child as well. That all changed this past week. My husband Erik and I found out that our precious baby girl had passed away inside of me and she was born still this past Wednesday, February 29th. Her name was Solveig Sofia and she weighed 3 lbs. 11 oz and was 18 in. long, and she was born at 33.5 weeks gestation. The reason for her death was the umbilical cord wrapped tightly around her tiny body, 3x around the neck, around her arms and her middle and also with a true knot. We are deeply grieving her loss and miss her deeply. On Saturday morning, we held a funeral service at our church here in Twin Cities, MN and were overwhelmed by the large attendance of family and friends. We planned the service (I’m a singer and voice teacher and help plan & lead worship sometimes at church) and it was so therapeutic to have the service to work on all week while we were anticipating and then grieving our daughter’s birth and loss. A few dear friends did “I Will Carry You” and it was breathtaking. I’m so glad that you and Angie were able to write that amazing piece and that it is now able to be used to help so many other people. Thank you. Todd, I also have to say that I have lately been listening over and over to “Broken Praise,” and it has meant so much to me. Today, we buried our Solveig. The finality is so difficult, but we do rejoice knowing that she is not in pain anymore and she is with Jesus where we greatly look forward to joining her one day. Thanks for asking us to share our stories.
Todd, I recently had the pleasure of meeting you at Women of Faith, Sacramento. Your story touched my heart as my son survived the very disease that took your precious baby girl from you. I can’t imagine the pain that y’all went through and go through. We’re still fighting daily with B’s (Brandon) health. He’s fighting a touch of rejection right now and is recovering from his 3rd bout of pneumonia. I pray for your continued comfort and healing in your loss as well as for the Duggar family. We experianced several early miscarriages while we were trying for our daughter before they realized that I needed progesterone to be able to sustain a pregnancy. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and thank you for sharing your story…
-Vanessa
Your testimony and this song in particular has meant so much. We have lost three babies through miscarriage, and have been blessed with three beautiful girls. I heard you on Focus on the family one morning. I wept as I listened to the song. For days I played it over and over and just let the words of someone who knew this pain and more, wash over me. We’ve always loved your music. Just yesterday morning I put on Pandora on my way to work, and the beautiful sound of ‘draw me lord’ came over the speakers. Again…tears and healing.
My heart goes out to the Duggars- what many don’t understand is that each child no matter how ‘young’ is special, and saying goodbye hurts. Many don’t even think it a good enough reason to grieve. It is a silent pain that many bear and feel they cannot speak of.
Thank you for sharing so openly about your loss and your pain and this journey.
God bless you, and continue to use you.
In Him,
Carmel
Dear Angie & Todd,
I am so sorry for your loss & the loss of the Duggars. I know exactly what you all are going through. I have walked through the loss of my precious son for ten and a half years.
My son died and was stillborn when I was 38 weeks pregnant due to a true knot in his umbilical cord. The doctors called it a “fluke” & said many babies have knotted cords & aren’t effected by them. My husband & I were devastated beyond words. Our daughter was 2 at the time. I praise god everyday for the blessing of our daughter, because I don’t think I could’ve made it through without her.
When my son died, my grandfather was still living & he was a pastor. A true example of the lord, he lived his life according to god’s word. I had the utmost respect for him. He preached my son’s private graveside service. Afterwards, he pulled me aside to talk to me. He said it was ok for me to be confused and mad. He said it was ok if I was mad at god. He said our father was strong enough to take his children being mad at him. But then he urged me to pray & told me it wasn’t ok to stay mad at god & let the death of my son separate me from our Lord. Thankfully, I took his advice and didn’t stay mad. I grieved hard for a year & at the end of that year I decided to be proactive. I had always wanted to be an RN, so I went back to college & became an RN & went to work in the NICU, caring for premature & sick babies.
People always say to me that I am so brave & so strong. They ask me how I do what I do everyday. I smile & say that I am not brave & strong. I have been blessed with a supernatural strength that doesn’t come from me-it came straight through me from god! I, alone, did not have the strength to keep going when my son died. I, alone, did not have the strength to go to college & work in the NICU. God does! He gave me the strength & still does today to keep going.
It has not been easy. We have had additional devastating losses in our family & life is extremely hard. I don’t have all the answers, but I do cling to his word & remind myself often of Tomans
I read your wifes book, and it was such a blessing to me. I also listen to I will carry you often in my car. I lost my first born at 5 days old with group B strep spinal menningitis. He would have been 18 years old this past November 10th. Over the years I have celebrated his birthday in different ways and there have been some years I have just myself celebrated alone with memories of him. I carried him for 38 weeks and had him for a short 5 days but I know I will join him one day and I look forward to the time I will have. I know he is in Heaven and is playing on the streets of gold. His name is Shadow, and I thank yall for the song and the book that has helped me in the grieving i continue to do 18 years after.
I had a miscarriage with my first child at 8 weeks. I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks, so I did not get a lot of time to love my baby. However, I think a mother’s heart loves so deeply from the moment we find out there is such a miracle growing in us. I went through a deep depression as we tried for almost 2 years to conceive again. My heart ached for the baby I had lost and I had so many fears … would I ever be able to have a normal pregnancy even *if* I ever conceived again? Thankfully, God gave us a healthy baby boy a year ago who has been my absolute joy. Even though I don’t understand why I lost my first baby, I am so thankful for my Paxton and I feel blessed beyond measure that God has allowed me to be his Mom. Soon after my miscarriage was when I heard Audrey’s Song for the first time. As I was driving along one day listening to my new Selah CD, I listened to the words as tears streamed down my face. I had to pull over as something opened up in me and I grieved like I had never grieved before. That is when my healing began. I got to hear Todd’s wife Angie speak with Women of Faith just a few months ago and got to thank her for being strong enough to share her very personal story to women like myself who are searching for some kind of answer. I pray God blesses this family for being faithful to Him even in times of such darkness and adversity.
Todd,
Thanks so much for posting this message. My husband and I saw you collectively as a group in Mcmurray Pa at South Hills Bible Chapel. I have been looking for a way to use my testimony to help others who have walked in this same path (losing a child). I went through a five year struggle of trying to have a second child. I gave two testimony’s of what I went through and what God pulled me through. Through it all I never lost hope or faith in my God! He was always constant in my struggles. I would love to send you both testimony’s. I had always said that I want to give back in any way I can, to help other women who may be grieving or going through this extremely difficult time in their lives. I will not say that I never questioned why I walked this path, but now I am filled with so much joy that I can only feel that this trial made me so much stronger inside. My life could end tomorrow and I could honestly say that I was fulfilled in every sense of the word. God has truly helped me by turning despair into a joyful place. Please let me know where I could send my message. I only hope that it can help someone else.
A friend of mine posted “I’ll Carry You” on FB & I had to listen twice it touched me so. Then I came to your site & read your story which touched me even more! On March 30th this yr it will be 6yrs since my miscarrage. The pregnancy was such a shock because we had just had our 2nd daughter in Nov & our 2 girls are 6yrs apart. We were scared to have 2 babies at once but had come to peace with it knowing the Lord would take care of us! I started to spot & had they had me come in to the doc & when he couldn’t hear the heart beat he set up an ultrsound. My best friend was wtih me because my husband was working & there was know way we knew what was happening! During the ultrasound I watched the screen closely & when the tech zoomed in on the heart I knew it & I ask, “shouldn’t that be moving?”, all she could do was shake her head as I lost it laying there in that room. She finished & left me & my friend to greive. I just couldn’t believe it! They wanted to do a DNC but because I had eaten lunch I had to wait til the next day so I had to go home knowing the baby I was carrying was no longer living. That wasn’t as hard as what I had to do next & that was to tell my husband & children. As I was, they too were heart broken! They couldn’t tell the sex but I believe in my heart he was my son & I think of him often!! Then to make everything seem worse at the time, my step-father died 2 days later. I later accepted his death as a blessing because he had battle lung cancer for over 2yrs & now it was at rest! Also, I know where he went & believe he’s there now with my son & his grandson!! Now 6yrs later I have had to make a serious decision that I didn’t think bothered me until now. I need to have a parctial historectome(?) which means no more children & even though I don’t want anymore it’s just the thought that I can’t.Thank you so much so for allowing me to share my story with you!! It helps to let it out!! GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!
On May 17, 2012, 13 yrs. will have passed since our precious, lovely daughter, Kate Michelle traveled on to be with the Lord. Kate was 21 yrs. old when she passed as a result of injuries sustained in a car accident. She had traveled to see me for Mother’s Day and then on the way back to her home, the accident occurred. I’ve listened to “I Will Carry You” many, many times and the words and music have ministered to me so much. Knowing that you both know and understand my pain means so much. Thank you for sharing your journey with your beautiful Audrey. Love, Leslie
I actually just finished “I Will Carry You” about 10 minutes ago. I got on this website to look for tour dates in my area and this is the first thing I saw. Your song, “I Will Carry You” has carried me through the miscarriage of my daughter since that horrific day in July of 2010. Thank you so much Selah, and baby Audrey for your amazing testimonies!
In November of 2006 we went in for our 20 week ultrasound. What should of been a joyous day ended up being awful and ongoing. By the end of the day we were told our baby was not compatable for life and that most people in our situation get an abortion. Well we were definately not doing that, I would of never forgiven myself for that. So we trusted God to help us through. In February of 2007 I went into labor 1 month early. I was hemmoraging and he was breach, they rushed me in for an emergancy c-section. I lost alot of blood but made it through and our baby was alive. They said he would’t be able to do anything and that he would probably die soon. He was able to nurse and grip your finger, cry, coo,and wet himself. He lived for five days. Each day got harder. It was hard to see everything slowly shut down. We where very blessed to have him. Your book and song have really helped my husband and I. I thank you for the help it has given us and for having the courage to tell your story. I found myself searching for books about losing a baby when we lost ours and just couldn’t find much. I was blessed to have found yours. Thank you and may God Bless You!!
Thank you so much for this beautiful song. I carried my daughter to full term only to lose her in the last week. There is not one day that goes by that I don’t think about my little angel. I have two beautiful sons who were born healthy and I thank God for them. But no matter how many healthy living children you do have, there is always that special place in your heart that is reserved for the one you lost.
After 3 months of marriage my husband and I decided to try to have a baby. So how happy we were to find out we were expecting our first child. After 3 months they ran the triple screen test. My came back positive for trisomy 18. They called me on my birthday at 8:30am with the news. How devistated to find out that it wasn’t someone wishing me a happy birthday but my Dr. calling with the news. The next day they ran an amniocentisis. It was positive for Trisomy 18. They sent us to a genetic counsillor just to tell us we should abort because our Child would not survive. God gave us this child for a reason. It was so hard the first 2 weeks. I worried and worried, wondering what and why this is happening.
As a child, the main thing I took from my raising is LIVE BY FAITH. This was it, thid is what I clung to, so I gave all my worries to Him, my Heavenly Father. Whatever He wanted for me to do I was going to do it. If it would help just one then it would be worth it. So we asked God to please not let our son suffer. We were told he would most likely not make it once he was born. on August 1, 2003 our son was born, Levi Colton Prentice. As he lay on my stomach he opened his eyes and saw his mother. He saw me!!!!! I’ll never forget those beautiful blue eyes looking at me! He lived only for a few minutes the passed on. The hardest moment was the funeral. going to the grave, finality of it all. How hard it we was to say good-bye, as Todd and Angie we clung to 2 Sam. 12:22-23! It is on His head stone. 2 years later my sister lost her first born at birth. I called her everyday just to talk it out. Don’t hold in your anger or your frustations. Find someone you can talk to and get it out. After Levi we had our son Clayton, We got pregnant when Clayton was 6 months. I was so MAD! I didn’t want to be pregnant and I told people so. As I finally accepted it I misscarried. It was hard, finally wanting the baby and losing it.
God has taught me His timing isn’t my own. As the years go on I talk more and more about Levi. My husband and I have been singing together since we were married. I Desired so much to have a testimony song yet couldn’t figure out a way to put it to words. I prayed for a song and yet I never wanted anyone to have to go through what I went through to write one. Not a month later did I hear “I Will Carry You”, it was around the time of Levi’s 6th Birthday. I Thank God for Todd and Angie for sharing your testimony and for Sharing Audry! Our Children are waiting for us in heaven, they can’t come back to us but we will someone get to go see them!!!!! Isn’t the Love of Jesus wonderful!!!!
I started sharing Levi with his siblings at a young age. My youngest (who is 4) is very frank and will tell people that she has a brother in Heaven with Jesus. She loves her brother. As my childeren get older we go to the cememtery, plant flowers and as Todd and Angie did I would like to get a cherry blossom tree. My sister planted one in memory of her daughter and I would like to do the same. God has been good to me even tho I don’t deserve Him. I am so thankful that He blessed us with our son. Many have told me they were helped by watching us. I pray we can always be a light for Him. I cherish getting to sing “I will Carry You” in our church on Levi’s birthday and Mother’s day. Thank you Todd, Angie and Selah!!!!! I will carry you Levi, all my life!!!
I will gladly help you pray for the Duggars during their time of loss. I suffered 3 miscarriages before I finally had my oldest son. My husband & I were married almost nine years before Gage was born. I had the loving support of my husband, my mother & other friends & family, but nothing helps more than just falling at the feet of Jesus! It is at times like this that we have no where else to turn, but to God! God speaks to our hearts in many ways, one way being thru the music of Selah. The words of their music are very profound & meaningful & have ministered to my heart on many occasions. I over came the deep sadness & went on to be blessed with 3 children. They are now 10, 8 & 6 years old. We are a homeschool family & truly enjoy spending our days together. Most of all, these 3 little ones bring me joy! Joy that helps mend my sadness! And, my heart smiles to see the precious little flames that burn in the hearts of my children for our Lord and Saviour! The Lord does, sometimes, take away, but gives back far more than we could ask or imagine!
Hello I too have suffered the loss of a child. His name was Noah and he was 4 1/2 months old. He passed very unexpectedly and I experienced what many call the “dark night of the soul” With God’s unfailing love and support through this time…God has done a healing work in me and my family… from the anguish and deep pain that you only know when you lose a child. As many of you know that are reading this. A way we celebrate his birthday is we release balloons every year at his grave sight and remember the joy that he brought to our lives. This is a bitter sweet time. We look forward to the day when we will meet our Jesus and see Noah again.
Todd,
Thanks for your post. In response to your invitation to share personal experiences, here is our story.
In November of 2007, I found out I was pregnant with our second child. We were ecstatic. We wanted as many children as the LORD would give us. At about 12 weeks gestation, I experienced some indications that there might be a problem but did not miscarry. The ultrasound revealed a condition that the doctors said the baby would not be able to survive. They urged “termination”, but respected our decision to carry on with the pregnancy. They also encouraged some testing, as the condition was likely genetic. We found out that the baby was a girl. We decided to name her Amanda, which means “worthy of love”, because even though she was unborn and ill she was a human being made in the image of God and worthy of love. We prayed that God would have His perfect will in her little life. If God chose let her live in this life, we would be so grateful. But if He chose to deliver her and provide a greater healing by taking her home to Heaven, we would still be grateful for the privilege of being the vessels He chose to use to create her and for knowing her oh so briefly. In mid February I went in for a check up and there was no heartbeat. I knew that God had answered my prayers to not let her suffer and that she was whole and happy in His arms. They did an ultrasound on the spot to be sure. I will never forget the image of her curled up with such a gentle look of peace on her face. All I could say in my heart was “Thank You God for loving her so much. Thank You God for letting me see her. Tell her we love her.” She passed away at 18 weeks gestation. Due to some complications with her condition and my own health, the doctors advised against delivering her naturally. So she was delivered surgically, and we had her remains cremated. She was buried a year later with my father. I dream about her at times. I can hear her laughter. I can’t imagine what that day will be like. As if meeting my Savior and being able to worship Him at His feet weren’t wonderful enough, I will be able to see her and hold her and tell her face to face how much I love her. And I will cry tears of joy all over the place because God has been so infinitely good to us both. He is indeed, my Wonderful, Merciful, Savior…Thank you so much for sharing your testimony about Audrey and the beautiful song. I pray blessings for you and Angie and your beautiful girls. May God be praised now and forevermore. He is good, always faithful and loving. He is beyond description and I am humbled to be called His child.
My name is todd also. My wife and I had a miscarriage about 3 years ago. I wanted to grieve but the Lord told me to push on and keep following him. It didn’t mean much to me and I had to continue following Jesus. My wife Kim Murray…I am realizing now has been grieving and in sadness ever since. She thinks of the baby often and probably has even named him or her. SHe is my lover and best friend. Please pray for my child in heaven to forgive me for being such a knucklehead and to get more serious first and foremost with Jesus as number 1 in my life. Second, I am asking prayer that I would love my wife as CHrist loves the church. In Jesus Name, AMEN.
My husband & I lost our son/daughter at 10 wks of pregnancy. It was tremendously devastating to both although I seemed to be the one to take it the worst because of how the loss took place. We had longed to be parents again and attempting for 5 years before this and just two years after having had our first child(son)Christian Jacob in 2003. I experienced the pain of my second child passing on in the hours before confirming, mistaking it for normal cramps and minor bleeding which everyone told me was normal. The pain got worst and worst and we ended up at hospital just minutes before we confirmed my own son/daughter had disconnected from my womb. Just 24 before we had celebrated my mothers birthday and then the passing of our unborn child whom we had longed for so long to have & hold in our arms. We didn’t know how to explain to our only son what was occuring as he was only 6 y.o. and was so excited to have a baby brother/sister to share his room with. It was by far the most difficult experience I have ever been thru, but in the end of all grieving I have accepted that God had this planned for us. I accept the fact that our son/dauther is with God and will be there waiting for us to meet him/her one day. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to carry my baby for the time that I did and will forever treasure it, even if it were to be the last. I am blessed!
I have two second trimester losses. Our daughter Alexis was stillborn at 21 weeks of pregnancy. The following year we lost our son ,Otis, shortly after birth at 22 weeks. We have since been blessed with a miracle daughter Isabella born full term and screaming. The grief after losing a child is a roller coaster of emotions. The loss of not only the child bit also of yourself. It’s so hard to redefine who you are after losing a child. My husband and I struggled with our faith, we could not get the answers to why and all around us we were watching many people being blessed with healthy babies who were not married, or the babies weren’t wanted. Over the past 2 1/2 years we have drawn closer to God then ever before. We now realize how blessed we are to have the opportunity to be Alexis & Otis’ parents.
I just heard your beautiful song on the Duggar’s show. When I lost my twins in 2006, I never imagined I’d hear a such a precious expression of the experience of the loss of a baby. Thank you for so generously sharing your experience. For so many, this is a private pain, and I know your song will be healing for so many, as it has been for me. God bless you and I will pray for you on Audrey’s birthday.
I watched the Duggars precious story last night, and as I did I was brought back to my reality of losing what would have been our second baby. I was early on in the pregnancy only nine weeks or so but that baby was still mine, it was apart of me and always will be. We never new the sex, so we named the baby Julien, somehow I needed to name our child, This month would have been Julien’s birthmonth and needless to say I have been struggling. My husband doesn’t quite understand, I know it is different for men than women. But all I can do is think of the things we would have had. I try to be thankfull for Julien’s older brother Joel(yes we have a J theme too), but there are those days when you just wish you could have held them and known what they would have looked like or acted like. There are just those days.
I just recently suffered a miscarriage on 1/13/2012. I was only 2 weeks. I had just taken a pregnancy test that came out positive & I was excited. That same evening I started miscarrying. I was carrying a boy. I know it in my heart. I named him Michael Aaron. On February 21st, I was crying out to the Lord. I never got to see his face, say goodbye or even hold him. That evening, I had a dream & in the dream, I was walking along the beach & I saw this baby with a man playing in the sand. I looked & they both looked familiar. The baby looked up at me & smiled. I knew as soon as I saw the baby, that it was definitely a baby boy & he was definitely mine. I know because he had his father’s smile & he definitely had my strawberry blonde hair. I ran up to my son & just picked him up & just started kissing him. I have never forgotten that. I miss my little guy everyday, but I thank God that He allowed me 2 say goodbye & I know that Michael Aaron is the perfect name for him.
I lost a son on may 12 2002. It was my First mother’s day. I was so excited that I was going to be a mom. I woke up to get ready for church and I wasn’t feeling the greatest. I went to my doctor and the told me I had lost him. His name is Mackenzie. He is now my little angel. I know when I go to Heaven he will be there waiting for me. You song helped me think about him.
Today is the day my little girl was born, and the day she died. March 30, 2003. It has been 9 years.
At times, it still feels just as fresh as the day it happened.
I am in that moment, at the hospital listening for the heartbeat through the doppler. I wasn’t feeling any movement, so, went in at 41 weeks pregnant to get checked out. They brought out the ultrasound machine, and the doctor told us our baby girls heart was not beating, and she had died.
There were no pre warning signs, healthy pregnancy, big baby, everything was good to go. They were going to induce me 3 days later. I was just at the doctor 2 days earlier.
We went home and called our families, then, we went to the hospital to be induced and deliver our baby.
Our families were all there. It was so wonderful to share the experience with them and have them praying with us. Our church family was notified also and supported us so wonderfully.
Alyssa Marie Melville was born, we held her. We took pictures of her and us. We cried, we mourned, we grieved, we sobbed. And we let her go.
We know she is in heaven. We know she is happy and safe.
The quote we chose at the funeral was, there is no safer place, then in the fathers hands. I felt so encouraged by that.
I was just shown this song today, and loved it. I will be listening to it often, remembering that I carried her, and God is carrying her now. He also carried me through that time and will continue to carry me.
Peace that passes understanding and strength no one could understand, came only from God. She has drawn us to Him.
Here is the poem I wrote for my Daughter Alyssa Marie Melville
Our hearts are pounding
are we pregnant this time
yes, thank you Lord
for this child of mine
We can’t wait to tell
our hearts fill with glee
we’re going to have a baby
we told our family
The tears were flowing
there were hugs all around
this was the beginning of your life
even though you didn’t make a sound
I remember when
you kicked inside of me
what a miracle I thought
how your life came to be
When we went to the doctor
you were always healthy and well
we couldn’t wait to be parents
and everyone could tell
The pregnancy progressed
the more thrilled we became
to be your mom and dad
and to give you your name
To the hopsital we went
with worry and fear one day
I can’t feel you moving,
I don’t know what to say
The doctor told us gently
you had gone to be with the Lord
shocked, surprised, and scared,
we sobbed, cried and mourned
We delivered you Sunday
and though we never heard you cry
we knew you were living inside of me
and you were not afraid to die
Because Jesus came and took you
into His arms of love
we know you’re gigling and smiling
in the clouds up above
Our hearts are filled with pain
as we miss you already
Mom and Dad will see you soon
the Lord will keep us steady
You are our pride and joy
the most precious thing on earth
so innocent and pure
we celebrate your birth
We will never forget you
or ever let you go
you are our baby girl
we want everyone to know
Alyssa Marie Melville
you were only here for a while
someday we’ll be with you
and we’ll see your beautiful smile
We know you’ll take care of her God,
but there’s one thing we ask of you
would you kiss her every day for us
and cradle her too?
We love you Alyssa
and the day will soon come
when we all meet in heaven
Alyssa, Dad and Mom!
Written by:Stephanie Marie Melville
Stephanie…that was a beautiful poem, and made me cry. I too lost a baby thru miscarriage, but at 12 weeks, in 1984. I was devastated, and while asking God why it had to happen, He gave me a poem, but it was His view about His love for Israel, His bride, and the loss He felt. Anyway, over the years, I have had several miscarriages, include the twin of my first son, but I also have 7 wonderful children. What I wanted you to know, tho, is that one of my granddaughter’s is named Alyssa Marie. She is 2 (she’ll be 3 in August). I have 7 grandchildren, and 2 great-grandchildren. God is good. He loves us, and has restored the years and anguish I went thru. God will bless you. And soon we will all be together, and see the children, taken too soon. I wonder sometimes, if He took them to prevent something worse from happening to them, had the lived. I keep these things in my heart, and use them as a help for someone else going thru a similar situation. God bless you…
…Jeanne
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I just found your blog after attending a funeral for a couple in my church’s stillborn babe. They played the song I will Carry You. I just wanted to say that it really ministered to me because today is also the anniversary of delivering my sweet Shiloh Faith 2 years ago. I was only 14 weeks along but I still mourn her loss with the comfort that she is in heaven and I will see her along with her other lost siblings one day. Thank you for sharing your story. And I will be thinking and praying for your family on April 7th which is also my Dad’s birthday who passed away in October.
I have had 6 pretty healthy children, but have lost 4 through miscarriage. The song you have written is a blessing in my life and touches that tender spot in my heart each time I hear it in regards to the children that we have lost. What a precious reminder that He will carry us as well. The entire cd Delivered has sung me through some very tough battles and I appreciate your talent being used to glorify our God. Thanks so much!
My Story was similar to the Duggars, I carried my 7th pregnancy just fine until my midwife could not find a heartbeat at about 20 weeks. We simply chalked it up to an equipment malfunction, as she was using a small handheld doppler- we were trying to be optimistic. She sent me to have a full ultrasound. The tech seemed a bit nervous and went to have a doctor come look at it. He came, moved the scanner around and around. He finally explained to us the one thing he was looking for so diligently yet could not find was a heartbeat. I think I gasped, my husband froze as the reality sunk in…our baby was gone, no doubting it this time. In my heart I said good bye. I was almost in a catatonic state. They left the room and gave us time get ourselves together. We walked out; the staff gave their condolences. As we walked back to our car, through the whole medical center, I felt like I was walking through a tunnel. All I could dare concentrate on was the step in front of me. We passed the gift shop with the “It’s a girl” balloons. I wondered if people could tell I was walking around with a dead baby in my womb.They couldn’t know,of course, but if they could would it matter to them? We stepped outside-the sun was beaming, the sky was bright-but it all seemed dark. The flowers I had admired on the way in now seemed so dull, and pointless. We couldn’t get to the car fast enough. Once we closed the doors-we both broke out in sobs. How were we going to tell the other children? We made it through, with much prayer and support from our church family. The Lord used our Ruth’s short life to remind me that life is a gift…I was losing the joy of parenting and getting tired. This encounter with grief woke me up to the fact that every one of my children is precious and I was truly blessed to have each one of them in my life. I was reminded to be grateful.
Sorry this was so long,and THANK YOU for caring enough about my baby’s short life to invite me to tell about it- to remember not to forget. Your thoughtfulness in this has even been a little bit more healing, to know that someone else also cares about my baby. Thank you again…we won’t forget
We celebrated our daughter Lily’s 1st birthday just last month. She was born at 11 weeks and things will never be the same. I read Angie’s book soon after, and while circumstances were very different, the pain, the wrestling, the grief were the same, a mother without her baby. I have a number of passages marked in the book, and I go back and read them when I need to hear them again. I listened to “I Will Carry You” numerous times. We even played it at Lily’s Memorial Service. It has been a year marked with grief, but honestly I know that I am more like Jesus because she is in His arms than I would have been had she been in mine. I don’t say that lightly; I would much rather have had her here for this life.
I knew I wanted to celebrate her birthday, because otherwise it is just a tragic, sad day and because knowing what I know about where she is, it IS something to celebrate. I pushed past the feelings of “can you have a birthday party or a baby that has died” and planned a small gathering of family and close friends with all the birthday party stuff. It wasn’t for her; it was for us. My 5 year old son said he was trying to think of what to get Lily for her birthday and had a couple of ideas in mind. He knew she didn’t need it where she is, but many little girls could enjoy it here. He picked out a baby stroller and doll, which we took and donated to the crisis nursery in our town on her birthday. We planned to have our guests bring gifts that would be appropriate for the age Lily would be for us to donate. We talked about doing this each year, but this year I wanted to purchase some updated books for our support group’s lending library, including a copy of Angie’s book. We also had lunch at the restaurant we consider “hers”. It was one of the only places that tasted good through the nausea. I ended the evening with some quiet time alone, in prayer, in sorrow, in thankfulness.
Remembering the gift of sweet Audrey this weekend. Thank you all (Todd, Allan, Amy) for the music, the book, and sharing your walk with us.
p.46 “Sometimes we get to unbind and celebrate. Sometimes we don’t.”
A year later, I would add: Sometimes we don’t get to unbind, but we can STILL celebrate, just differently.
Kathleen
“I Will Carry You” is such a beautiful song. Even though I am a HUGE Selah fan, I somehow missed ever hearing it. As I was watching the Duggars the other night with tear-filled eyes, my interest was sparked, and I wanted to hear the entire song being played. Angie and Todd, your story is incredible. I am moved, and am thankful that you both chose to embrace this journey that God had planned for you, even though, I am sure, it was incredibly painful at times.
This last week has left me thinking about that song many times as I have experienced the wide range of emotions that accompany a miscarriage. On July 6, 2011, much to mine and my husband’s surprise, we learned that we were expecting our third child. Honestly, I struggled at first because at the time we had a 3 year old and 14 month old. I was overwhelmed to think of having another child so close in age to my other children. As I was finally becoming excited about this precious life that God chose me to carry, I learned that I was miscarriaging. Looking back, I can see how those original feelings of doubt and lack of excitement have made the miscarriage even more difficult. I can’t help but at times feel guilty. If I had been more excited about the pregnancy, would things have been different? Did I do something wrong to cause the miscarriage? Through all the doubts and tears, I have been reminded that God’s plan and will for my life is perfect, and until I can meet my baby face-to-face, I will embrace this journey God has for me. Thank you again for this song.
I did quite a bit of journaling through our three miscarriages. I used the journal to write letters to the children who died. This was an important way for me to view the miscarriages as real lives that were lost, and also to claim my own identity as a father even though at the time we had no living children. I also listened to Alan’s arrangement of “I will meet you on the beautiful shore” from Press On, over and over. After our third miscarriage, my wife and I put 32 songs together that we listened to at home and in the car. It has a couple Selah songs (e.g., Part the Waters).
I turned my journal into a book, Letters to My Unborn Children, which will be published later this year. Todd, I’m not sure the correct mechanism for asking this, but I’d be honored to send you and Alan a copy.
All I can say is “thank you”. I’m sure that all grieving parents know everything that truly goes into those words, but trying to explain only cheapens.
I know I posted on here before but I just wanted to ask how do you do it. How do you move on with your life. My boys are gone and I cant get them back. Everyone just expects me to move on. THey say I know how it feel, I lost a baby at how ever many weeks because of a misscarriage.. I just want to scream you didnt have to hold you dying baby in your arms. You dont know how I feel. I am tried of being so strong and supporting everyone else. My heart is empty. I would have been 28weeks this wed. Instead I have to pretend nothing happened. having 5 other children here that need a strong momma. How do I live my life? How can I grieve when I cant even have time to think. I just miss them so much. My belly achs for them.
Crystal, I do completely understand how you feel. My first pregnancy ended with a miscarriange, and then 7 weeks ago, I held my precious son as he passed and went to be with Jesus. He lived 19 glorious minutes. And honestly I don’t know the answer to your question. Many days I feel the same way…The rest of the world is moving on and seems to forget while you’re still grieving. You’re “stuck” so to speak in your pain and emotions. You feel “lost” and it feels like everyone expects you to just go on like everything’s ok. And I believe that’s normal. One of the things that has been said to me that has really stuck with me is that our Heavenly Father knows our pain. He understands because he watched His Son suffer and die. He knows what it feels like to lose a child. God is good, and He will not leave us. One of my most favorite verses is Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” As for having to pretend like nothing happened, don’t. Talk about your boys. It’s ok to acknowledge them and their precious little lives. They were here, they lived, they matter. I know to most of the general population, infant loss is a taboo subject. But people need to realize that it happens so much more than they think and that our babies, regardless of whether they were stillborn, miscarried, or if they made it here only to leave too soon are important. “No foot is so small that it cannot make an impact on the world.” -Unknown. Please feel free to read my story below and check out my blog. And please know that you are not alone. God bless my friend.
I’m so sorry, Crystal. I am praying for you.